I hate to be dramatic, but I can't keep going on like this. I feel like I'm living a lie and its time to come clean.
I'm a huge fake.
I'm going to tell you the truth. Fitness feels like a huge lie. When I say I'm a Health Coach, Fitness Instructor, Nutrition Counselor, or Personal Trainer (all true), it always feels a little off. When I first became a Fitness Instructor, I was embarrassed to tell people because I was still so heavy. People were too polite to say anything, but you could see it in the raised eyebrows and the "Oh? Um, Good for you!" kind of expression of surprise.
My first Zumba Certification
 This is me and my friends after class. | Now, I'm much more confident in that role and I don't look like this anymore, but a part of that still lingers. I am so much more fit now, but to be honest, I still don't *quite* look like a fitness instructor. Most of my co-workers look like they just stepped off the cover of Oxygen, all sculpted arms and 6 pack abs. As my students know, I'm still, well, soft. My arms have some jiggle and my belly still has a pooch to it. Quite a few of my fellow instructors and personal trainers are fitness competitors. One of gorgeous friends, Carolyn, just took 3rd in her category, and I couldn't be prouder of her. |
 Carolyn, in the middle, placing 3rd place in her fitness competition. |  Carolyn, looking incredible, like always. |
Its not just my fellow instructors. I'm also a Health Coach and the products I use most often in my coaching groups are Beachbody products. Insanity, TurboFire, Piyo, P90X; I love them all and I love my personal coach and mentor, Melissa McAllister. She's the sweetest person you will ever meet and I'm so glad to have her in my life. BUT....She is FAMOUS for her abs. She's been in more fitness videos than I can count and she models fitness clothes. This is her:
My mentor, Melissa McAllister
Yes, she looks like that in person. If she wasn't so awesome, it would be incredibly annoying. Its still kind of annoying. She's like a super buff Sandra Bullock. She makes her own mini-work out videos on Instagram and not surprisingly, she has one of the top fitness accounts.
Are you starting to see my problem?
Don't get me wrong- these women work hard! My friends and co-workers look like this because they work hard and they eat clean. Sometimes, I think they were born with the willpower of monks. I realize that I have the power to sculpt my body and that 6 pack abs are not totally impossible for me.
There is just one problem.
I love beer.
&
I love gumbo.
&
I'm a big fan of chocolate.
&
Wine isn't bad, either.
&
You get the point.
There is just one problem.
I love beer.
&
I love gumbo.
&
I'm a big fan of chocolate.
&
Wine isn't bad, either.
&
You get the point.
You see, I've lived at both extremes. I've Yo-Yo'd back and forth with periods of terrible junk food punctuated with periods of ridiculous starvation diets. That's when I looked like this:
2005, I was around 270 lbs
And then I've done the other extreme. The last time I went to Beachbody convention, I was determined to "look like the other people" and I trained hard and I ate clean and I was careful about my portions and I stopped drinking. I wasn't rocking a bikini and I didn't have a 6 pack, but I looked pretty damn good.
2013, I had finally hit the 100lb weight loss milestone and I was around 165 lbs
My husband said I looked amazing, but (painfully honest guy that he is) he also said that I wasn't that much fun. I was too neurotic about logging all my food and never missing a workout and I talked about fitness all the time. I had also stopped going out with our friends because who wants to be the chick at the bar talking about trying to lose weight? No one likes that girl. (If you are reading this and you are that girl, seriously, stop it. No one wants to hear about how you are 4 lbs from you goal weight right when the bartender hands them a cold beer. You don't have to drink, but you don't have talk about it, either.) Trey (aforementioned love of my life), finally told me he would actually prefer me with a few extra pounds if I was still fun and more relaxed and I realized that it was pretty ridiculous to torture myself on this strict regime if my husband actually finds me sexier AND I CAN STILL DRINK BEER!
These days, I would like to think I have found a happy, middle ground. Since I'm being ridiculously honest here, I'll tell you- I've gained about 15 lbs. Some of that might be muscle, but I'm not fooling anyone. I'm definitely not as small as I used to be. My middle is not as teeny as it was in the Insanity picture, but its still fairly flat unless I sampled too much of my own homebrew the night before. (Yes, I brew beer. I have a fun craft brewery going with a great friend of mine and its one of my new favorite things. Only, I'm ashamed to tell people about it. Especially people who only know me from fitness. What will they think? What will YOU think? Here I am running a health and fitness blog and I brew and DRINK beer? *gasp*) I still teach classes and exercise almost every day. Not because I'm obsessed with how I look, but because I like how happy it makes me and I enjoy being strong. But if I miss a workout, I'm ok with it. On the weekends, I am pretty serious about resting my body. I've been known to binge watch Netflex. I take my naps seriously. Sunday morning barbacoa tacos are a gift from heaven and occasionally, I put terrible for you flavored creamers in my coffee.
If you are still with me (after this epically long post- you must be bored), here's my problem. I want to help people. I LOVE to help people. I get so much joy from seeing my challengers succeed and my students get stronger and my clients take their lives back. To watch the emotional and mental transformation that occurs when someone starts to see changes in their body is incredible and it makes me cry happy, ugly tears. I have ideas for a fitness program for the mind and heart as well as the body BUT I feel like I'm living a lie. I always wonder- would they listen to me if they knew what I was REALLY like? Would I still be able to help people if they knew that I wasn't always the smiling, peppy person at the front of the room or in the videos? How real can I be and still claim to be in fitness? Maybe I need a different name for it. Wellness? Fit Therapy? Happiness Coach?
I would love to hear what YOU think. Would you trust someone to help you get happier and healthier if they didn't look like a fitness model?
These days, I would like to think I have found a happy, middle ground. Since I'm being ridiculously honest here, I'll tell you- I've gained about 15 lbs. Some of that might be muscle, but I'm not fooling anyone. I'm definitely not as small as I used to be. My middle is not as teeny as it was in the Insanity picture, but its still fairly flat unless I sampled too much of my own homebrew the night before. (Yes, I brew beer. I have a fun craft brewery going with a great friend of mine and its one of my new favorite things. Only, I'm ashamed to tell people about it. Especially people who only know me from fitness. What will they think? What will YOU think? Here I am running a health and fitness blog and I brew and DRINK beer? *gasp*) I still teach classes and exercise almost every day. Not because I'm obsessed with how I look, but because I like how happy it makes me and I enjoy being strong. But if I miss a workout, I'm ok with it. On the weekends, I am pretty serious about resting my body. I've been known to binge watch Netflex. I take my naps seriously. Sunday morning barbacoa tacos are a gift from heaven and occasionally, I put terrible for you flavored creamers in my coffee.
If you are still with me (after this epically long post- you must be bored), here's my problem. I want to help people. I LOVE to help people. I get so much joy from seeing my challengers succeed and my students get stronger and my clients take their lives back. To watch the emotional and mental transformation that occurs when someone starts to see changes in their body is incredible and it makes me cry happy, ugly tears. I have ideas for a fitness program for the mind and heart as well as the body BUT I feel like I'm living a lie. I always wonder- would they listen to me if they knew what I was REALLY like? Would I still be able to help people if they knew that I wasn't always the smiling, peppy person at the front of the room or in the videos? How real can I be and still claim to be in fitness? Maybe I need a different name for it. Wellness? Fit Therapy? Happiness Coach?
I would love to hear what YOU think. Would you trust someone to help you get happier and healthier if they didn't look like a fitness model?
my 6 pack abs!
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